Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

True love comes quietly without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.

The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love.

All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card — American Express.

That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.

I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed too — for being married so many times.

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.

No, love is hiding who you really are at all times, even when you’re sleeping. Love is wearing makeup to bed and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop, and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles. That’s love.

Love is blind — marriage is the eye-opener.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That is your common sense leaving your body.

You know how people say, ‘You can’t live without love’? Well, oxygen is even more important.

Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.

As a man in a relationship, you have two choices: You can be right, or you can be happy.